cornergasfandomcom-20200213-history
One Piano, Four Hands/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: He's doin' a jig. Davis Quinton: He's doin' a kick-step. His legs are akimbo. Brent Leroy: Your legs can't be akimbo. They can be askew. Davis: Well, askew's me. Hank: Hey, Lacey. What kinda dance is this guy doin'? Is it a kick-step or a jig? Lacey Burrows: It's called I-broke-my-neck and-now-I'm-gonna-sue-Lacey because-Hank-moved-my-sign shuffle. Brent: Hey, Hank, your name's in a dance. Lacey: Please, don't move my signs. Davis: It's a jig. Hank: Kick-step. Davis: A jig. Hank: Kick-step. Lacey: Whoo! Oww! Brent: Geez, you're right. Her legs did go akimbo. Oscar Leroy: I thought you said you were going to stop playing piano. Emma Leroy: That was 1975. Oscar: Well, that thing sounds like a bag a cats. Emma: Well granted, it doesn't have the lilting quality of your voice, but nothing's perfect. Anyway, it just has to be tuned. Oscar: That's your solution to everything. Emma: Piano tuning's my solution to everything? Do you even listen to yourself anymore? Oscar: I can't, with you playin' that piano. Why are you hangin' onto it? Emma: It's a good piano. Brent might want it someday. He was really into it when he was a kid. Emma: Brent, you can either eat chili cheese dogs or you can learn to play the piano. You can't do both. Oh, to hell with it. Maybe I'll take up knitting. Emma: You're right. I did give up too easily. Oscar: I didn't say anything. Emma: Brent's older now. He might just give it another go. Brent: Sure, what the heck. Sign me up. Emma: Who was that? Brent: I just got a new subscription to TV Guide. Now what were you and I talkin' about? Emma: Piano lessons. Brent: Ah, right. I think I'll pass. Hank: Don't feel bad. You'd be surprised how many times I've broken a bone doin' somethin' stupid. Lacey: You'd be surprised at how unsurprised I am. Hank: You can expect to go through three stages. I like to call them the Three A's. You wanna know what the first stage is? Lacey: Anger, aggravation? Hank: Avoidance. People are gonna feel weirded out and uncomfortable because you're hurt, so they'll shun you. Lacey: No one is gonna shun me. Karen Pelly: Hey, I heard about your fall. Anything I can do? Lacey: As a matter of fact, you could be the first to sign my cast. Karen: Actually, I, uh, I'm just on my way to a call. Maybe later. Hank: It hurts, doesn't it? It hurts to be a freak. Lacey: It also hurts to be hit in the head with a cast. Wanda Dollard: I can't believe you're too lazy to take piano lessons. Brent: Really? It seems roughly in line with the Brent I've come to know. Wanda: You think Emma would take me on? Brent: Take you on? Wanda: You're goin' down, lady! The championship belt is mine! Emma: You don't know enough people to take me down, Pipsqueak! Wanda: Get ready to feel the pain! Wanda: Yeah, that's what I meant. I mean take me on as a student. I've always wanted to learn piano. Oscar: Hey, jackass, your air pump's broken. Brent: What's the problem? Oscar: The little bell inside won't ding. Brent: Well, it, it still pumps air. The pump isn't broken, just the ding is broken. Oscar: Without the ding it's nothing, it's got no personality. Brent: What? Are you kiddin'? Look at it. It's got personality up the wazoo. Wanda: You can't even have a wazoo without having some personality. Oscar: Stupid thing. Brent: Well, Dad, if you keep doin' that, it'll...yeah. Wanda: I hear you give piano lessons. Emma: Used to. Why? You want some? Wanda: Is there something suspicious about that? Emma: I'm sorry. I had a bad experience once. Wanda: Oh. Well, I'm a quick study. I, uh, I come from a musical family. Emma: Well, how does, um, $20 a lesson sound? Wanda: My grandfather played in a klezmer band. Emma: 25 if you keep talking about your family. Wanda: And then he died. The end. Davis: Are you givin' piano lessons? Emma: Why? Are you interested? Davis: Sure. It might be fun. Emma: Do you come from a musical family? Davis: Uh, no. Emma: Even better. Davis: I'm gonna take piano lessons. Lacey: Aw, well, good for you. I think that's great. Wanda: Actually, I signed up first. Lacey: Neat. What? Wanda: Well, nothing. It's just with him you sounded enthused, and with me you sounded kinda patronizing. Lacey: I was actually patronizing both of you. Wanda: Well, all right then. Oscar: Holy hell! Oscar: Did you know you got a new air pump out there? Brent: I do? The air pump fairy musta come while I was napping. I wonder if she took the old pump from under my pillow. That is to say, yes, I bought the new pump. Oscar: What for? I coulda fixed the old one. Brent: Well, the new one's better. It's coin-op. Oscar: No one's stupid enough to pay for air. Dumber than payin' for water. Karen: How much for water? Brent: A dollar fifty. Oscar: Idiot. Karen: What did I do? Lacey: That's nice John. And thank you for not shunning me. Everyone's being rather nice, don't you think? Hank: I expected as much. You've entered the second stage of your injury. Lacey: The stage where I get tired of hearing about the stages? Hank: No, I, I mean the second A, attention. Lacey: Oh. Well, I like the second A. Hank: Oh, yeah, sure, everyone does. Just don't get too comfortable. You see, right now you're soaring like an eagle. But sooner or later, the eagle gets shot in the neck or hits a power line and drops to the ground and everyone just kinda forgets about the eagle. Lacey: Well, couldn't I just be a puppy? Hank: Oh, you don't want to know what happens with a puppy. Emma: I'm impressed. You played some of those scales without even looking at the keys. Davis: The what? Emma: Those things you're pressing with your fingers. Davis: Oh, the buttons. Wanda: Knock, knock. Ready to tickle those ivories, Emma? Davis: Oh, they're called keys. Same time next week? Emma: How about tomorrow? May as well build on the momentum. Davis: All right! Wanda: Sounds like that went well. Emma: Well, I find Davis responds well to positive reinforcement. You don't have to play the black keys, you know? It's a C-scale. Wanda: Well, well, I thought I'd try a variation, a diminished augmented fifth. Emma: I never heard of that. Wanda: Really? Pretty standard. Mozart had them up the wazoo. Listen. Hey. Whoo. Gets the toes tappin'. Emma: Well nice first effort. Wanda: Oh. That's it? No momentum? Emma: Oh. Well, I find it important not to over praise too early. Oscar: I don't like this thing. It's all shiny and chromey, thinks it's better than me. Brent: Not better, just different. Oscar: Take it back. Brent: All right, I'm sorry I said that. Oscar: I mean take this pump back. I'll have everything fixed on the old one before ya know it. Brent: Sorry, Dad. You gotta move with the times, you gotta roll with the program, you gotta get with the punches and stay on your horses, in midstream while help me out, I'm reaching, here. Karen: Forget it. I don't want Oscar calling me an idiot again. Oscar: I'll see ya later, bonehead. Karen: Much better than idiot. Thanks. You're charging for air? Brent: I'm not charging, the machine is charging. My hands are tied. Karen: Never mind. I'll just find someplace where the air is free. Brent: Sesame Street? You'll see. This'll catch on. Davis: You're chargin' for air, so we formed this mob. They wanted to bring torches. Ted (Denizen): And marshmallows. Davis: I told ya, we're not bringin' marshmallows. Ted: No marshmallows? Davis: As you can see, emotions are runnin' a little high. Change the pump or I can't guarantee we won't be back with torches. Ted: And marshmallows. Davis: No, that muddies it. Brent: All right, you can try fixin' the old pump. Oscar: Hah! Who's punching your horses now? Brent: Geez, I thought it sounded bad when I said it. Davis: So when you play piano, you have to keep your fingers loose, like bear paws. Karen: You've been going on about this for half an hour. Davis: See? Bear paws. Lacey: Hey, guys. How's every little thing? Karen: Don't ask him what's new. Lacey: You wanna sign my cast? Davis: All right! Lacey: Lucky for you there's a little space near my wrist with your name on it. Davis: Why would someone else sign my name? Lacey: Oh. Oh, well look, I was wrong. Sign away. Davis: All right! Lacey: Karen, you wanna get in on this? Space is fillin' up. Karen: I don't have a pen. Lacey: You're holding a pen. Karen: Oh. You don't want this one. Smudge city. Lacey: Oh, that's all right. You can use Davis's. Karen: Oh, I could have done that. Stupid me. Next time. Davis: See? Bear paws. Nice and relaxed. Oscar: Oh. Oh, yeah, that's the sound. Brent: I gotta admit, the bell does add a certain something. Hey, wait a minute. The dial's busted. Oscar: What did you expect? I knocked her off that wall pretty good. Brent: So you just fixed the bell? You said you'd fix everything. Oscar: I did not. Oscar: I'll have everything fixed on the old one before ya know it. Oscar: That's not how it went. Oscar: I'll have everything fixed on the old one before ya know it. Cheerleaders: Wooooo! Brent: That's almost the same thing. Oscar: But I tell it better. Davis: Hey, Wanda. What's shakin'? Wanda: Not much. That's a nice little tune you're pickin' out there. Emma: I'm impressed, Davis. Nice work with that chromatic scale. Davis: I thought they were keys. Wanda: He knows chromatic scales? Davis: Well, they just sorta reveal themselves to me. Wanda: Yeah? I'll show you chromatic scales that'll make your head spin. Emma: Did you say head spin or stomach churn? Just stick to playing Hot Cross Buns. Wanda: Aw, come on! I think I've got Hot Cross Buns nailed. Let's try Three Blind Mice. Emma: It's the same tune. Wanda: You just blew my mind. Emma: Glad to have helped. See you next time. Wanda: We could go a little longer. I've got momentum now, momentum up the kazoo. Emma: I can't. Oscar and I have a thing. Oscar: What thing? Emma: Well, you know, the thing. Oscar: Oh, oh, right, the thing. What thing? Hank: How's stage three treatin' ya? Lacey: Great. Love stage three. Came right on time, just like you said. Hank: I haven't told ya what it is yet. Lacey: Yeah. Well, I was sorta banking on you not remembering that. Hank: Well, welcome to the third and final A, abandonment. You're yesterday's news. Passerby: Hey, Lacey. How are ya? Lacey: Oh. Hank: Yeah, the eagle flies no more. Ruby Cast Signer: Hope there's still, uh, room on there. Hank: Yep. The once mighty bird lies forgotten, its carcass bleaching in the sun. Lacey: All right, that is enough with the dead eagles. I'm fine. I've never been happier, no one is abandoning me. But if you'd like to be the first, please, feel free. Hank: Hah. Oh, yeah. Hank: I thought Lacey would benefit from my years of experience. But she doesn't want my help at all. I feel so directionless, so purposeless, so, uh... Wanda: Hank-like? Brent: Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell ya. You're an adjective now. Davis: I can't figure out that air machine without the dial. Could someone help me fill my tires? Brent: Well, that's somethin' Hank would be good at. Hank: You need help? You need to, uh, benefit from my years of experience? Davis: I need air in my tires. Hank: I knew that's what you were saying and I'm here for ya. Davis: Could you be over there for me? Hank: Sure, sure. Davis: Oh, hey, check this out. Emma gave me some old sheet music to look over. Wanda: Minuet in G, Bach Preludes. Everything I'm playing is still about buns and ducklings. Brent: Ah, Theme to MASH. Wanda: You can play this stuff? Davis: Well, you know how it is. You just close your eyes and you can see the music. Brent: Isn't that from Flash Dance? Davis: Oh, I got that in there too. See ya. Wanda: Well, this isn't fair. People keep encouraging him. He's hoarding all the momentum. Brent: Or he's just good at piano. Wanda: No one expects anything of him, so he gets kudos just for trying. Brent: Or he's just good at piano. Wanda: If anything, it's harder for me. Brent: Or he's just good at...do you even need me here for this? 'Cause I could really use a nap. Davis: Thanks, Wanda. Wanda: That was a sarcastic clap. The space between the claps means sarcasm. Davis: Aah. Lacey: Anyway, look it, I wanted to apologize if I've been a little pushy lately. If you don't want to sign my cast, you don't have to. Karen: Okay. Lacey: Why won't you sign my cast? Karen: The truth is, I had a bad cast signing experience once. Lacey: Wow. I didn't know that was possible. Karen: Back in grade seven. David Kindersley broke his leg. Broken Leg Kid (David Kindersley): "You'll always have a leg-up in our hearts"? Man, that's hyper lame. Lacey: Oh, Karen. There is no such thing as a wrong cast signature. You just need to pick up that pen and be the best darn Karen you can be. Karen: You know what? You're right. Gimme that pen. Wanda: That has to be the most trite, hackneyed advice I've ever heard. Lacey: You're just angry about this piano stuff. Who cares how Davis is doing? You just need to sit down at that piano and be the best darn Wanda you can be. Wanda: That's makes a lotta sense. Thanks, Lacey. Karen: What? Lacey: "Sorry to see you're up in arms"? Karen: It's lame, isn't it? It's hyper lame. Lacey: No, it's lovely. It's hyper lovely. Oh, crap. Ow. Davis: You should try going like this. Wanda: You should try shutting up. Wanda: So I've been giving piano lessons a lot of thought and I've come to a decision. Emma: It's probably all for the best. The piano's not for everyone. Wanda: We should double my lessons. Emma: Oh, for the love of... Wanda: It's the only way I'm gonna get any better. Emma: I don't have the time. I have a full roster as it is. Wanda: Davis is your only other student. Emma: And starting Monday we're going to five days a week. Someone has to nurture his gift. Oscar: Gotta love that bell. Hank: It really cuts through the clutter, don't it? Clears your head. Oscar: And Brent is all worried about the stupid dial. Hank: He's always been a slave to the big air companies. Oscar: That should do it. Hank: Ah, a few more dings. Trust me. I'm a professional. Oscar: Brent's payin' ya to do this? Hank: Okay, I'm an enthusiast. Oscar: Let's move it along, jackass. The Flintstones are on. Brent: Better back off on the air. Hank: You think? Oscar: Hank blew up my tire, almost got me killed. Karen: Well, if at first you don't succeed. Oscar: I want you to arrest him. Karen: Gee, Oscar, I don't know if I can manage that. I'm too much of a bonehead. Oscar: Ah, maybe you're right. Just pass the message on to Davis. Wanda: Face it, Davis. You have a gift. Davis: You think? Ah, I don't know. Wanda: You need to quit takin' lessons from Emma. Davis: Why? Wanda: You're better than she is. She's draggin' ya down. Time to ditch the albatross. Davis: What's an albatross? Wanda: A bird. Davis: And this bird's in the ditch? Wanda: Okay, how about this? You need to ditch Ben Kenobi and find yourself a Yoda. Davis: Ah. I understand completely. Emma: I can't believe Davis quit. Wanda: I know. Where did that come from? Anyway, the good news is, is that it's you and me and the piano makes three. Lacey: Oh, this is great. This is really gonna liven up the diner. Are you sure I can't offer you some money for it? Emma: I'm just happy to get rid of the damn thing. Lacey: Sorry? What was that? Emma: I, I said I'm just happy to give something back to the community. Lacey: Well, that's weird, because it sounded completely different the first time. Emma: The usual convention is to let that kind of thing go. Davis: Up in arms. What does that even mean? Karen: It's an expression, like down and out or up the creek, or Stupid Davis Jerk Face. Davis: I'm not familiar with that one. Oscar: Hey, Karen, I hope you're not up in arms today. Karen: Her arm's in a cast. It's up, okay? Yeah. I can't believe this. It's David Kindersley all over again. Davis: Who's David Kindersley? Karen: No one, Stupid Davis Jerk Face. Davis: Wow. Funny how you can go your life without hearing an expression and then hear it twice in one day. Wanda: Come on. You all know the words. Hot cross buns, hot cross buns, see how they run, see how they run... Lacey: Maybe that's enough for today. Wanda: I'll tell you when I've had enough. Wanda: Wow! My own piano! Lacey: Yeah. Wanda: Oh, Lacey. I don't know what to say. Lacey: Aww. Now, if you have any trouble getting this into your place, remember, don't bring it back here. Hank: Hey! Aaah, ah! Wanda: No-no, no-no! Oh, the piano's ruined! Lacey: The piano's ruined! Wanda: If you are not hurt from this accident, you will be when I'm done with you! Hank: I think I broke my wrist. Wanda: Damn! Hank: I know! Brent: Hey? This one makes a cool sound and the dial works. Wanda: Yeah? So how are ya payin' for it? Brent: It's not always about paying for stuff. It's about service. You give to the universe, the universe gives back. Karen: Four bucks for a bottle of water? What a rip! Brent: And that's the sound of the universe giving back. Hank: Hey. Wanna sign my cast? Wanda: Sorry. Your injury makes us feel weirded out and uncomfortable. Hank: Man, I hate stage one. Category:Transcripts